Dangling Carrots and the Crushing natures of crushes
As a reaction to Savvy Single Christian’s most recent post, I am going to share a little bit about my experience.
Last year, I felt a strong attraction to a person who went to my church. I’ll call him Frank Lloyd Wright because he is an architect. We hung out in groups and one on one, but we definitely didn’t date. Needless to say, I felt attached to him – but to this day, I am not exactly sure how he felt about me at the time.
We never sat down and discussed where things were going (or not) and in the end, I had a broken heart and he finally told the truth about how he was interested in a platonic relationship, nothing more, nothing less.
Take away points:
- Crushes are idolatrous – regardless of the outcome. They are idolatrous because they take up space in the mind’s hard drive. Crushes are not like removable storage – it takes a lot of deprogramming to get idealized perceptions of a person out of your mind.
- Relationship building goes two ways. If someone shows enough evidence that his intentions are proportionate to my intentions in how we will build a relationship, then that is the only way I will envision a relationship. In other words, there has to be concrete and measurable evidence that interest is mutual on my part and the other party’s part.
- The cake must be made and baked before you put on the icing. The cute perks of a relationship such as serious cuddling, making a meal for someone, and visiting someone at work come when there is a relationship that has been in existence for a reasonable period of time. Its existence has to be proven based on time spent together and communication level, etc.
- Why buy the cow if the milk is free? Giving away the “goodies” of physical and emotional intimacy can be equated with giving pearls away to swine that will trample all over them.
Fortunately, Frank Lloyd Wright and I never, ever got physical. We NEVER even entertained the option. But allowing myself to indulge in picturing a figment of a relationship landed me into depression, which could have put an end to my academic career.
Post Frank
- I went through the spring semester of 2007 in a haze. Somehow, I managed to complete my required assignments and maintain good standing. In June, I passed my comprehensive exams. In August, I struggled with the decision to leave or remain at my home church at the time – especially since Frank started dating someone else. My feelings for Frank had dwindled significantly, but I had a difficult time feeling as if I was “reliving the rejection experience”. Plus, the feelings I had about the anemic fellowship with my peer group in the church (on-going problem which was of course, “all Emily’s problem” – not theirs) finally came to a head.
I made the difficult decision to leave the church in August and found another church family. Because I had given myself permission to leave, I have made a remarkable recovery.
School
- I like being on campus now. I like going to my classes.
- I haven’t missed a single reading assignment. (But I’m not crazy enough to read everything in super fine detail)
- I have received As and Bs on my assignments.
- My participation in discussion has gone up about 40%
- I smile a lot more on campus.
Fitness & Health
- I exercise regularly
- I stopped smoking
- My drinking has become a lot more moderate.
In sum, I look, feel, sound, and function like a completely different human being. Frank did not cause me to have feelings and fantasies. True, he played a role in leading me on, but I chose to grab onto the dangling carrots with a wild abandon. I have forgiven Frank and I have forgiven myself for my lack of discernment.
The dysfunction I operated in is not only a result of what happened with Frank. As we all know, dysfunction is built over time and it is hard to level everything and to rebuild.
*Editor’s note – I like and respect Frank Lloyd. My posts about him are not “bash and trash”.
Domestic Engineers
I am on a roll. I finished more than what I anticipated completing for my take home exam today, so I am rewarding myself with blog time.
I thought about an article by Heather Koerner on Boundless.org. Koerner wrote about her decision to resign from her job so she could stay at home and raise her children full time. She also included testimonials from women who chose to stay at home. Her claims are based on Bible verses from Proverbs and Titus.
I think that the decision to work while raising children or to be a home parent is completely at the discretion of the parents. I have also heard that some mothers feel as if they are better parents because they are still engaged in their careers. The one thing about Boundless.org that annoys me is the fact that it sounds like ONE BRAIN is speaking through several different intelligent adults who look “hip” enough to be in the world, but with their “radical rightness” (really, no pun intended), they encourage black and white, two dimensional levels of thinking for young adults. When one perspective is pushed without any sort of flexibility – there is a cultish aspect. I fear for young Christian adults who are impressionable and frequent this site.
If I ever marry and have children, I think I would rather work so I could provide income for the family and contribute to the professional world. Interaction in the professional world is very stimulating for me and is a part of my identity. Honestly, I never really had an acute longing for a spouse and children. My work, immediate family, and friends have been a source of community for me. I am not sure how I would be able to fit a significant other, let alone children, into the picture.
Keep in mind, I regard marriage and family and keeping the home very highly. But, I am happy with keeping my home (you should come over and try my banana bread and chicken salad) and the family (not exclusive to biological family) that God has given me.
