How can I possibly be happy as a single?!
I am sharing my story to prepare for the possible onslaught of responses from brothers and sisters in Christ about my philosophy on being happily single.
Before I became a believer, I was involved in a series of very short-term relationships. They had their high points and low points, but I never became very emotionally attached to them.
After I became a Christian, I still got involved in short-term relationships with people who could possibly be classified as very, very lukewarm believers.
Throughout my life, I never thought I was attractive or successful enough to attract the right kind of person. When I became a Christian and got more immersed into church culture – I also blamed myself for not being “Christian” enough. I carried these ideas with me well into last year. The breaking point was related to the experience I had with Frank Lloyd, a man from my church.
The changes in my cognition are due in part to God’s grace and my decision to leave the social and spiritual environment I had been involved with. Leaving Frank Lloyd and company behind has provided me a sense of peace and space to be my authentic self.
Well, it’s time to take care of some business. I organize an online group and a few people have requested to join. Someone’s (yours truly) going to be in the doghouse for her procrastination. (whimpering)
Dangling Carrots and the Crushing natures of crushes
As a reaction to Savvy Single Christian’s most recent post, I am going to share a little bit about my experience.
Last year, I felt a strong attraction to a person who went to my church. I’ll call him Frank Lloyd Wright because he is an architect. We hung out in groups and one on one, but we definitely didn’t date. Needless to say, I felt attached to him – but to this day, I am not exactly sure how he felt about me at the time.
We never sat down and discussed where things were going (or not) and in the end, I had a broken heart and he finally told the truth about how he was interested in a platonic relationship, nothing more, nothing less.
Take away points:
- Crushes are idolatrous – regardless of the outcome. They are idolatrous because they take up space in the mind’s hard drive. Crushes are not like removable storage – it takes a lot of deprogramming to get idealized perceptions of a person out of your mind.
- Relationship building goes two ways. If someone shows enough evidence that his intentions are proportionate to my intentions in how we will build a relationship, then that is the only way I will envision a relationship. In other words, there has to be concrete and measurable evidence that interest is mutual on my part and the other party’s part.
- The cake must be made and baked before you put on the icing. The cute perks of a relationship such as serious cuddling, making a meal for someone, and visiting someone at work come when there is a relationship that has been in existence for a reasonable period of time. Its existence has to be proven based on time spent together and communication level, etc.
- Why buy the cow if the milk is free? Giving away the “goodies” of physical and emotional intimacy can be equated with giving pearls away to swine that will trample all over them.
Fortunately, Frank Lloyd Wright and I never, ever got physical. We NEVER even entertained the option. But allowing myself to indulge in picturing a figment of a relationship landed me into depression, which could have put an end to my academic career.
Post Frank
- I went through the spring semester of 2007 in a haze. Somehow, I managed to complete my required assignments and maintain good standing. In June, I passed my comprehensive exams. In August, I struggled with the decision to leave or remain at my home church at the time – especially since Frank started dating someone else. My feelings for Frank had dwindled significantly, but I had a difficult time feeling as if I was “reliving the rejection experience”. Plus, the feelings I had about the anemic fellowship with my peer group in the church (on-going problem which was of course, “all Emily’s problem” – not theirs) finally came to a head.
I made the difficult decision to leave the church in August and found another church family. Because I had given myself permission to leave, I have made a remarkable recovery.
School
- I like being on campus now. I like going to my classes.
- I haven’t missed a single reading assignment. (But I’m not crazy enough to read everything in super fine detail)
- I have received As and Bs on my assignments.
- My participation in discussion has gone up about 40%
- I smile a lot more on campus.
Fitness & Health
- I exercise regularly
- I stopped smoking
- My drinking has become a lot more moderate.
In sum, I look, feel, sound, and function like a completely different human being. Frank did not cause me to have feelings and fantasies. True, he played a role in leading me on, but I chose to grab onto the dangling carrots with a wild abandon. I have forgiven Frank and I have forgiven myself for my lack of discernment.
The dysfunction I operated in is not only a result of what happened with Frank. As we all know, dysfunction is built over time and it is hard to level everything and to rebuild.
*Editor’s note – I like and respect Frank Lloyd. My posts about him are not “bash and trash”.
