Exchurchmouse’s Weblog

I like being single.  I think that the one thing I don’t like is the feeling that no Christian man would choose me for a long term relationship.  Friends and other folks assume that when I come out of a broken relationship, or I am rejected, I am sad because I don’t have a significant other.  Being single in and of itself doesn’t make me sad – it is not being chosen!  When I have seen Christian people enter new relationships that have thrived, and compared that to the failed relationships in my past, I have assumed that these Christian men have met me, kind of liked me and moved onto “greener pastures” – like the women pursued and proposed to.

This is good because now I have been working on thought management.  How can I assume that NOBODY male and Christian of good character is ever going to be interested in dating me?  In that case, I am “rejecting” faceless people I don’t know first by making such a self-defeating blanket assumption.  By chaining the historical relationship fall outs and rejections and saying that rejection+rejection+rejection = always rejected single Christian woman – I am doing nothing but hurting myself and that is not honoring to God.  If God is for us, who can be against us?!   That equation I just illustrated is invalid and makes very little sense.  But if I try to validate this equation, I am the common denominator for creating a mindset of low self-confidence and maybe, pushing away the right kind of people.

There was a season in my life when I contributed greatly to failed relationships and rejection.  I made poor choices regarding the way I treated people and the way I treated my body.  Over several years, I have really improved in many ways.  (some moron is running down the hall and squeaking his sneakers   ) For the past year, I have really matured and developed in my character – especially in the integrity department.  I am also aware of my authentic self- who God made me to be.  I have my hobbies, neuroses and talents.  If I am at a season of my life where I am okay with who I am and I try the best to be who God intended me to be, there is no more need to wear the yoke of the past or to wear the yoke of whether or not I will catch someone’s eye.  Those things are too big to handle by myself and life is too short to allow mortal men to hold my sense of self-worth.

A couple of days ago, I decided that I want to just live my life and enjoy God and what He has in store for me.  I feel as if a huge weight has dropped from my shoulders.  If I am never pursued by a single Christian man – and I am doing the best I can to live my life and enjoy being around people and helping people – then I am at rest with that.  If I am rejected again for whatever reason (doesn’t always have to be personal) – I’ll live.  I would like to get married – but I would much rather focus on enjoying my life than worrying about what will happen later.

Ciao.

The conversations about singleness on Boundless.org and my friend Amir’s blog have been bouncing around in my head for the last week.  I have become concerned for the people who have wanted to be married for several years, but have continued to be alone.

So, I have made a commitment to keep my eyes open when I meet new single people and to get to know them well.  Then, my next step is to initiate informal gatherings so people who do not attend the same house of worship can get acquainted with each other.  An informal gathering can provide single people an opportunity to meet people they wouldn’t meet at church.  My married friends have met through other friends, faith-based events, church and one couple through the internet.  Personally, I think that face to face interaction is far more successful than internet based interaction.

There is a man from my small group and a woman from another social group I want to set up.  They live in the same neighborhood – but I highly doubt that they know each other! I think I will have a cocktail party of some sort and find a way to get them over to my place.

Some of you may go,”Well, Exchurchmouse (or Emily) you are single – aren’t you afraid that you will somehow be lost in the shuffle taking care of everyone else?”

No. I’m not afraid.

I visited Adam, aka Puritan Calvinist’s blog and saw that he wrote something about how he would rather know God and suffer in protracted singleness. Well, there was an uproar of responses and there were arguments I had difficulty following.

I posted a comment about how being single past thirty could be a joyful experience. Sure, I am two years younger than thirty. It is all a matter of perspective. Wouldn’t wallowing in self-pity make it harder to meet someone? I’d rather be enjoy what I have, not dwell on what, or who, I don’t have. Maybe I will be thirty-something, single and sad about it – but I would like to rest in being comfortable in who I am and celebrating where God has me. A Christian man giving me a ring does not define my personhood and cannot completely fill the needs that only God can fill.

It can be difficult when it seems like the rest of the city is coupled up.

I have learned to be careful about the type of company I keep in my personal life. If I let myself be surrounded by negative thinking, self-pity and poor body image, I will come down emotionally, too.

Protracted singleness is a matter of perspective. People can be twenty-five years of age and feel as if they are past their time to get married. People can be thirty-eight and be content.

Oy, talking about singleness can be so emotionally draining.