. Also, I don’t have any pics that make me look pretty .Am I being stalked?
Hello again!
Between You and Whistlin’ Dixie
Well I only signed up for this site because I was looking for you, so didn’t really plan on putting anything here . Also, I don’t have any pics that make me look pretty .
. Also, I don’t have any pics that make me look pretty .Okay fellow bloggers and bloggettes – what do you think?
*Seriously people – WD did not
Can men and women be friends? And friends only?
Hey everybody – read the article at the link below:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001845.cfm
Tell me what you think…..
A single revelation – an invalid equation
I like being single. I think that the one thing I don’t like is the feeling that no Christian man would choose me for a long term relationship. Friends and other folks assume that when I come out of a broken relationship, or I am rejected, I am sad because I don’t have a significant other. Being single in and of itself doesn’t make me sad – it is not being chosen! When I have seen Christian people enter new relationships that have thrived, and compared that to the failed relationships in my past, I have assumed that these Christian men have met me, kind of liked me and moved onto “greener pastures” – like the women pursued and proposed to.
This is good because now I have been working on thought management. How can I assume that NOBODY male and Christian of good character is ever going to be interested in dating me? In that case, I am “rejecting” faceless people I don’t know first by making such a self-defeating blanket assumption. By chaining the historical relationship fall outs and rejections and saying that rejection+rejection+rejection = always rejected single Christian woman – I am doing nothing but hurting myself and that is not honoring to God. If God is for us, who can be against us?! That equation I just illustrated is invalid and makes very little sense. But if I try to validate this equation, I am the common denominator for creating a mindset of low self-confidence and maybe, pushing away the right kind of people.
There was a season in my life when I contributed greatly to failed relationships and rejection. I made poor choices regarding the way I treated people and the way I treated my body. Over several years, I have really improved in many ways. (some moron is running down the hall and squeaking his sneakers 
) For the past year, I have really matured and developed in my character – especially in the integrity department. I am also aware of my authentic self- who God made me to be. I have my hobbies, neuroses and talents. If I am at a season of my life where I am okay with who I am and I try the best to be who God intended me to be, there is no more need to wear the yoke of the past or to wear the yoke of whether or not I will catch someone’s eye. Those things are too big to handle by myself and life is too short to allow mortal men to hold my sense of self-worth.
A couple of days ago, I decided that I want to just live my life and enjoy God and what He has in store for me. I feel as if a huge weight has dropped from my shoulders. If I am never pursued by a single Christian man – and I am doing the best I can to live my life and enjoy being around people and helping people – then I am at rest with that. If I am rejected again for whatever reason (doesn’t always have to be personal) – I’ll live. I would like to get married – but I would much rather focus on enjoying my life than worrying about what will happen later.
Ciao.
Emily’s new career: Undercover Matchmaker
The conversations about singleness on Boundless.org and my friend Amir’s blog have been bouncing around in my head for the last week. I have become concerned for the people who have wanted to be married for several years, but have continued to be alone.
So, I have made a commitment to keep my eyes open when I meet new single people and to get to know them well. Then, my next step is to initiate informal gatherings so people who do not attend the same house of worship can get acquainted with each other. An informal gathering can provide single people an opportunity to meet people they wouldn’t meet at church. My married friends have met through other friends, faith-based events, church and one couple through the internet. Personally, I think that face to face interaction is far more successful than internet based interaction.
There is a man from my small group and a woman from another social group I want to set up. They live in the same neighborhood – but I highly doubt that they know each other! I think I will have a cocktail party of some sort and find a way to get them over to my place.
Some of you may go,”Well, Exchurchmouse (or Emily) you are single – aren’t you afraid that you will somehow be lost in the shuffle taking care of everyone else?”
No. I’m not afraid.
Puritan Calvinist’s blog – whooo was it hot in there!
I visited Adam, aka Puritan Calvinist’s blog and saw that he wrote something about how he would rather know God and suffer in protracted singleness. Well, there was an uproar of responses and there were arguments I had difficulty following.
I posted a comment about how being single past thirty could be a joyful experience. Sure, I am two years younger than thirty. It is all a matter of perspective. Wouldn’t wallowing in self-pity make it harder to meet someone? I’d rather be enjoy what I have, not dwell on what, or who, I don’t have. Maybe I will be thirty-something, single and sad about it – but I would like to rest in being comfortable in who I am and celebrating where God has me. A Christian man giving me a ring does not define my personhood and cannot completely fill the needs that only God can fill.
It can be difficult when it seems like the rest of the city is coupled up.
I have learned to be careful about the type of company I keep in my personal life. If I let myself be surrounded by negative thinking, self-pity and poor body image, I will come down emotionally, too.
Protracted singleness is a matter of perspective. People can be twenty-five years of age and feel as if they are past their time to get married. People can be thirty-eight and be content.
Oy, talking about singleness can be so emotionally draining.
How can I possibly be happy as a single?!
I am sharing my story to prepare for the possible onslaught of responses from brothers and sisters in Christ about my philosophy on being happily single.
Before I became a believer, I was involved in a series of very short-term relationships. They had their high points and low points, but I never became very emotionally attached to them.
After I became a Christian, I still got involved in short-term relationships with people who could possibly be classified as very, very lukewarm believers.
Throughout my life, I never thought I was attractive or successful enough to attract the right kind of person. When I became a Christian and got more immersed into church culture – I also blamed myself for not being “Christian” enough. I carried these ideas with me well into last year. The breaking point was related to the experience I had with Frank Lloyd, a man from my church.
The changes in my cognition are due in part to God’s grace and my decision to leave the social and spiritual environment I had been involved with. Leaving Frank Lloyd and company behind has provided me a sense of peace and space to be my authentic self.
Well, it’s time to take care of some business. I organize an online group and a few people have requested to join. Someone’s (yours truly) going to be in the doghouse for her procrastination. (whimpering)
Dangling Carrots and the Crushing natures of crushes
As a reaction to Savvy Single Christian’s most recent post, I am going to share a little bit about my experience.
Last year, I felt a strong attraction to a person who went to my church. I’ll call him Frank Lloyd Wright because he is an architect. We hung out in groups and one on one, but we definitely didn’t date. Needless to say, I felt attached to him – but to this day, I am not exactly sure how he felt about me at the time.
We never sat down and discussed where things were going (or not) and in the end, I had a broken heart and he finally told the truth about how he was interested in a platonic relationship, nothing more, nothing less.
Take away points:
- Crushes are idolatrous – regardless of the outcome. They are idolatrous because they take up space in the mind’s hard drive. Crushes are not like removable storage – it takes a lot of deprogramming to get idealized perceptions of a person out of your mind.
- Relationship building goes two ways. If someone shows enough evidence that his intentions are proportionate to my intentions in how we will build a relationship, then that is the only way I will envision a relationship. In other words, there has to be concrete and measurable evidence that interest is mutual on my part and the other party’s part.
- The cake must be made and baked before you put on the icing. The cute perks of a relationship such as serious cuddling, making a meal for someone, and visiting someone at work come when there is a relationship that has been in existence for a reasonable period of time. Its existence has to be proven based on time spent together and communication level, etc.
- Why buy the cow if the milk is free? Giving away the “goodies” of physical and emotional intimacy can be equated with giving pearls away to swine that will trample all over them.
Fortunately, Frank Lloyd Wright and I never, ever got physical. We NEVER even entertained the option. But allowing myself to indulge in picturing a figment of a relationship landed me into depression, which could have put an end to my academic career.
Post Frank
- I went through the spring semester of 2007 in a haze. Somehow, I managed to complete my required assignments and maintain good standing. In June, I passed my comprehensive exams. In August, I struggled with the decision to leave or remain at my home church at the time – especially since Frank started dating someone else. My feelings for Frank had dwindled significantly, but I had a difficult time feeling as if I was “reliving the rejection experience”. Plus, the feelings I had about the anemic fellowship with my peer group in the church (on-going problem which was of course, “all Emily’s problem” – not theirs) finally came to a head.
I made the difficult decision to leave the church in August and found another church family. Because I had given myself permission to leave, I have made a remarkable recovery.
School
- I like being on campus now. I like going to my classes.
- I haven’t missed a single reading assignment. (But I’m not crazy enough to read everything in super fine detail)
- I have received As and Bs on my assignments.
- My participation in discussion has gone up about 40%
- I smile a lot more on campus.
Fitness & Health
- I exercise regularly
- I stopped smoking
- My drinking has become a lot more moderate.
In sum, I look, feel, sound, and function like a completely different human being. Frank did not cause me to have feelings and fantasies. True, he played a role in leading me on, but I chose to grab onto the dangling carrots with a wild abandon. I have forgiven Frank and I have forgiven myself for my lack of discernment.
The dysfunction I operated in is not only a result of what happened with Frank. As we all know, dysfunction is built over time and it is hard to level everything and to rebuild.
*Editor’s note – I like and respect Frank Lloyd. My posts about him are not “bash and trash”.
